This is my first completely serious,short fanfic for Fushigi Yuugi. Comments, feedback, and constructive criticism are welcome at shunu_no_miko@yahoo.com.

Spoilers through Episode 33.

I'm dying.

But I feel fine.

Normal, almost, except for the weakness that drags at my limbs.

I look down at this wound, punching straight through my torso, with dark blood pouring from it and staining the virgin snow red, red as Suzaku's feathers. An ugly wound. A fatal wound. One that should hurt. A lot.

But it doesn't hurt. That much.

I watch my life slowly begin to trace a crimson circle around me.

But I don't feel a thing. Physically. Or mentally. I just stare blankly as the bright red blood flowing down my side turns to a pastel pink in the snow.

It's funny, really, how the worst wounds never hurt. And how your mind seems to revert back to the simplest and strangest thoughts when you're dying. Which is what's happening to me now.

Or maybe I am just in shock. Or delirious. Perhaps when that creature of a Seiryuu shichiseishi slammed me against that rock, I hurt my head and now I'm just hallucinating. Imagining the blood that now flows down my side. Just imagining that my mind's slowly falling apart from lack of blood.

Just imagining.

But that's not very likely, is it?

I look over at the slain Seiryuu shichiseishi. Frightening, even in death. His claws stained red. Stained with my blood.

My blood. My life.

So I'm not the grip of delirium.

Rather disappointing.

Suddenly, I just sway like the willow that is emblazoned on my chest, and collapse into the snow. The world begins to fuzz around the edges, as different things of the same color run together into one, until all I can see is an expanse of white and black and red.

A sea of nothingness. And I am lost, somewhere in the center. The realization of what just happened hits me like a tidal wave, and I go limp with resignation.

"I made a mistake..." I murmur, lips pressed against the freezing snow. "From now on I won't be able to think about Miaka..."

I force myself to my feet. I can't die now. The boulder... still lies blocking the entrance to the cave of the Shinzaho. And I am the only Suzaku shichiseishi that can move it.

Every step is agony.

I trip when I've gone halfway, sprawl in the snow. Afterwards, I have to drag myself through the snow. Literally. My legs seem to have gone numb, and when I finally reach the rock, half my remaining energy is gone.

I look upon the monolith with despair. How can I ever move that?

I look up. My body moves automatically to the rock, yet my mind isn't focusing on its task. Like two birds flying in opposite directions. My mind is rambling on a path of its own, while my body does something that has nothing to do with my thoughts.

I must...

Do it...

For Chiriko. The youngest, the most innocent of us all. What a pity you had to be dragged into this. What a pity I couldn't watch you grow up.

I take a step forward-

For Mitsukake. What suffering you've gone through. I know you won't reach me in time, and I can only hope that you do not feel guilt over my death, not being able to heal me.  It'll be hard on you, especially after what happened to Shoka.

I reach out with both hands-

For Tasuki. You bare your emotions easily, without a thought. I wish I had your freedom of expression. Maybe then I wouldn't feel such pain from the feelings I keep bottled up inside. You may be four years older than Chiriko, but somehow, you're just as innocent.

My fingertips brush the rock-

For Chichiri. I don't know what caused that scar over your eye, or the scars that etch your heart and soul. I know something happened to you, that caused you to hide behind that smiling mask and high-pitched voice. Keeping up a pretense of happiness when I know you just want to break down. You're a pillar of support to us all. You're always there when we need you. But who is your pillar? Who is always there for you?

I flatten my hands against the rock-

For Hotohori. Oh Suzaku, Hotohori. I thought I loved you. And I do, as a brother. But it turns out that I'd done my job too well, that I sank too deep into Kourin. Kourin would have loved you. And I faithfully played the part of Kourin, loving you as well. But Ryuuen does not love Hotohori in that way. Ryuuen loves Miaka. The forbidden miko.

I give an experimental push against it, testing its strength-

For Tamahome. In the hopes... no. In the certainty that you and Miaka will stay together, and love each other. Tamahome. Stay true to Miaka. Love her the way I could not. Protect her and live for her. And please... don't freak out when Miaka hands you the bill for a fancy restaurant. For my sake.

I chuckle lightly as I slide my hands forward against the cold, hard surface-

For Miaka. For our miko. For my miko. All my love, all my strength, all my self. For you. And also for you, this one last act.

I slowly wrap my arms around the rock, as far as they'll go, and stagger to my feet. Drag myself to my feet using the rock as a support.

Suzaku help me.

And I say it out loud.

"Suzaku help me. Please... give me strength..."

Strength floods through my bracelets. They lengthen and clamp firmly around my wrists, my arms, my hands. The raw power of Suzaku surges through me as I brace myself.

For Miaka. For Kourin. For all that I ever loved.

With my last vestige of strength, I slowly manage to rip the boulder from the earth, hurl it away from me. The cave yawns open before me, revealed, and I slowly back away from my handiwork, the effort having torn the wound open wider. Fresh blood runs slowly over the dried, old blood as I take a last slow pace backwards.

And collapse.

So tired... I just want to lay down in the snow and sleep.

Sleep.

Forever.

"Oniichan!"

The soft voice is like the whisper of an angel in a world of darkness. The murmur of a candle reaching its fluttering fingers to the heavenly sky, even as it ripples the earthly air around it with its warm blush. Its blessed, life-giving influence stretching across two worlds, two realms.

My head jerks up, as I look around.

Nothing. I laugh softly, nervously. The sound lost, hushed, in the tons of snow and rock that surround me. Lost into the mountains, the sacred heights displeased with the small disturbance of its silence.

My brain isn't working right. I must be hallucinating this time. I can't be hearing her voice.

I can't be.

She's dead.

Or is she? Wasn't Kourin me? Or am I Ryuuen? I thought I became Ryuuen again, when I cut off my hair, and told Miaka I loved her, but now, with the coming of that voice and the blurring of my mind, I don't know who I am anymore. Kourin? Or Ryuuen?

Is she really dead? I can't think. The blood that is supposed to be nourishing my mind is slowly sinking into the snow. Outside of my body. Out of place.

Just like me. I'm not supposed to be here. The fragile tropical organism known as the human was never meant to wander so far north.

The line in my mind that separates the soul of Kourin from that of Ryuuen begins to fade.

Is that voice me? Am I calling out to myself?

Or am I just going insane?

"Oniichan! Are you giving up already?"

The words are like a slap in the face. I'd always thought myself strong. And I wasn't going to let me insult me.

Wait. If that voice is me, then why am I calling myself Oniichan?

The line between Ryuuen and Kourin strengthens, moves to the front of my mind, bringing with it painful reality.

Kourin....

I stagger to my feet, seishi symbol blazing over the ragged hole in my chest.

Kourin! Where are you? I can't...

"Relax... Oniichan. I'm right here." Warm, invisible hands cradle my head in unseen arms. Surprised to find that something is indeed in front of and above me, I lean forward, my face lifted to the heavens. Gentle breath stirs my violet hair, and a warm embrace banishes the cold of the mountaintop. And as I watch, Kourin slowly appears in front of me, and smiles. Her violet eyes, the same as mine, unchanged.

I am lost for words.

Kourin lowers her head to mine, and her eyelashes flutter against my cheek in a soft butterfly kiss. Like the ones she used to give me when we were little, and growing up together. Together. "I missed you, Oniichan." And now, she gives me a real kiss, and it fills me with warm emotion.

Her arms shift position, move down to my arms. She pulls me gently to my feet, veils me in her warmth. Drifts over me like a feather from an angel's wing, and holds my violet eyes captive in her own.

"I missed you too, Kourin." The words come out a hoarse whisper. "But now I'm finally coming to join you. It's been too long..."

"Not yet, Oniichan. You have to live just a little longer. You have to stay just a while longer."

I search her face, unbelieving, as I smile nervously. "Doushite? Doushite, Kourin? I've missed you so much, and..."

"For Miaka. You want to see her again, don't you?"

The violet eyes scrutinize me. They read my soul as if it were an open book.

Of course. My soul has always been an open book to her.

Miaka. Yes. I want to see her. One last time. "Yes. I do.. but I don't think I can hold on that long... it hurts so much."

She looks at me, knowing that when I say it hurts, I mean my heart, and not my body.

Kourin pulls back slightly, drifts above me like a delicate violet angel. My guardian angel.

"Yes you can, Oniichan. I'll be waiting for you... Ryuuen."

And to my horror, she begins to fade into the merciless whiteness beyond. Her warmth unveiling from around me.

"But how? I will die soon, if not from the cold then from blood loss."

I'm getting frantic. Kourin's getting so far away from me... come back, Kourin, come back...

Her last words come to me, a ripple in the air, like the whisper of wet silk being drawn across a smooth rock. Drawing away from me.

"Just breathe, Oniichan. Concentrate your whole being on that single life-giving process.

"Breathe."

And she is gone.

I stand a while longer, staring up into the sky, face lifted to the heavens. Broken, lost. A few stars unveil themselves briefly in the glittering azure sky, then surrender to the sun and withdraw. The wind begins to bite at me again, and I remember the cold.

I'm alone again.

I whisper what I have to say, afraid to pierce the silence she left behind.

"Oh Kourin... how long have you been up there?"

No one answers.

I fall back into the snow, too tired to stand any longer, and remember Kourin's advice.

Just breathe. Concentrate your whole being... breathe.

I try to follow it, but every breath is agony.

I welcome the pain. It means I am still alive.

But still, the pain hounds me until I fall into a state of uneasy half-rest.

And there, Suzaku comes to me.

Suzaku. The god of love.

His voice rings out like the cry of a phoenix. Warm, golden, it fills the air around me with its full tones.

"Shichiseishi Nuriko, put your mind at ease. You will see the miko again. Let me make the wait easier."

The light intensifies. Fills my entire field of vision, and slowly begins to shape itself into blurry images.

Visions...

'stop... I was dreaming, a long, beautiful dream.'

Miaka's world. Crowded, congested. At times, reeking with strange smells.

'stop... Deeply, quietly, I put my sadness away.'

Beautiful. Since I am there by her side.

'If you were touched by kindness,'

Amazingly, nothing there is strange to me. Suzaku has touched my mind, opened my mind to all of her world.

'You must have been happy.'

The view shifts. Miaka and I, sitting in a car, speeding down the highway. The look on her face is one of pure joy.

'Time moves, I feel excited, in the wind.'

The wind whips by us, stirring her gossamer brown hair, spewing it out in a long, glorious stream behind her.

'I hear someone calling me,'

We slow down, look for a parking space. Some jerks have parked in two spaces, and there is nowhere else to park.

'I'm getting my life back.'

I get out, a little pissed, and balance the offending car upon its front end. We pull in and park in the space left behind. Miaka laughs triumphantly, and my spirit stirs with happiness at the sound.

'Stop... Human beings are weak, they fight and hate each other.'

We walk along, past the flashy stores and lights, laughing, smiling, talking.

'But only with love we can overcome anything.'

It's almost dinnertime. There's a fancy restaurant nearby. No problem. I have my credit card. I can handle it.

'We are together by fate,'

I sit, watching Miaka shovel down food at an amazing rate. And I thought a credit card could solve it all. Miaka... you eat so much.

'Your smile, your tears, everything about you.'

I merely laugh nervously when the waiter hands us the bill, and I pay automatically. I can't take my eyes from her.

'With all my courage, I'm not afraid of being hurt.'

I cannot find it in my heart to scold Miaka. She is beyond my reproach.

'I'll protect you under any circumstances.'

She makes up for her weakness for food in many other ways. Her great heart. Her inner strength, her love.

'I understand for the first time'

We leave the restaurant, head to a clothing store.

'Why I was born in this world.'

Miaka watches, hiding a smile, as I make a beeline to the lingerie department, intent on fooling a couple salespeople.

'You are shining in my heart,'

And she laughs openly at the faces of the storekeepers when they discover I am a man.

'You are the only reason for me to live.'

The background slowly fades away, until there's only Miaka and I. I stand simply, watching her. Drinking in every last aspect of her. I know, it's time to go. But it has been the best imaginary night of my life.

'Your smile, your tears, everything about you,'

She smiles at me. I know she knows it too, and she accepts it.

Miaka. I have to go now, but I know I'll see you again. I trust that Tamahome will take care of you, and that he will
not do anything stupid in my absence.

She's already beginning to blur.

Miaka... I'll find a way to you.

'I'll protect you with all my might...'

Even after death.

The vision of Miaka fades away, to be replaced by cold snow and unforgiving mountain peaks.

I don't know how long I lay there, feeling nothing, seeing nothing. The warmth of Suzaku had left me long ago, leaving me like a broken, neglected violet doll, spread across a counterpane of white snow.

After an immeasurable period of time, the sweet voice of my angel speaks again.

"Oniichan, get up. You can't let Miaka's first and last sight of you be of you on the ground, giving in to the cold. Stand up. I know you can."

Kourin?

Miaka. Miaka's finally come.

I push myself out of the roiled snow, onto my feet, facing outwards. I turn to the sound of feet swishing through snow.

A familiar cry of, "Nuriko!" stings my heart with its sweetness.

Did I not tell you that I live and die for you, Miaka? Don't take it so hard. Don't cry.

I merely watch as Tamahome and Miaka make their way up the mountain to me. I can't move. I can only watch  as Miaka gets closer, and closer, and closer.

"Miaka."

The name is whipped away by the unforgiving wind the moment it leaves my lips. I turn my head, as if watching the name flutter away on the breeze. A snow-white bird flitting away on the migration. My soul, leaving my tattered body and broken heart.

But I can't stand anymore. I've lost too much blood, and the last effort to push myself out of the snow and on my feet drained me massively.

I sink to my knees.

I know that Tamahome has seen my wound and the roiled, bloody snow when his eyes widen and a look of complete fear grips his face. I slowly begin to keel over, exhaustion, blood loss, and death pulling at me all at once, and he sprints the last distance and catches me in his arms before I fall.

Miaka runs desperately to me, her eyes wide with fear. "Nuriko!" She falls to her knees in the snow beside Tamahome, and he gently passes me to her.

She pulls my head and shoulders onto her lap. "Nuriko!" she repeats. Her tone broken and afraid.

I can hear Tamahome, desperately trying to build a fire. To signal Mitsukake, most likely. But all he has are two rocks. He's doing his best, I will give him that. But fire is not easily coaxed from stones.

Strange that a seishi of Suzaku, the fire-god, would be unable to build a fire in a time of utmost need.

I sigh. Tamahome is not Tasuki. He won't get a fire in time... Mitsukake won't get here in time.

I turn my violet eyes to Miaka.

Crying. She's crying. And I am too weak to wipe away her tears.

But I must tell her everything I have to say. Hopefully, it will ease her pain. And mine.

"I'm happy... to have been a seishi, Miaka..." I whisper hoarsely, speaking through the blood pooling in my mouth. Feeling her warm hand on mine. "To have been born to protect you and to have met all of you."

I watch Miaka, smiling uncertainly through her tears. My eyes on her, and her eyes on me. Fresh tears flood from her eyes, and those tears drive me to scrape up the strength to reach up and wipe them away with bloody hands. "What are you crying about?" My lips curve upwards in an encouraging smile as I lie with a honeyed tone. "This won't kill me. You're always such a crybaby. Such a glutton... reckless..."

I can't go on, talking to her like that. Those cannot be my last words to her. I hadn't meant to say those things... but I'm slowly losing control of myself.

"Listen, I want you to go ahead with the Shinzaho...there's something special about you. So don't lose. No matter what."

Miaka's eyes gleam faintly with some of that old spirit I know and love so much. "Why're you talking like that? Like we won't see each other again? I'll always be protected by Nuriko-sama."

I smile softly in response. Veil my violet eyes beneath gossamer black lashes for the last time.

Miaka, you're wrong about one thing, and right about the other.

We will see each other again. And I will always protect you.

Forever and ever... and...

I can feel my life seeping out of my body. Like the blood that refuses to clot, because clotting in a dead body is meaningless.

...ever... until eternity beckons to you, and infinity opens its doors for your eternal rest...

Miaka.... are you crying again? Dry your tears.

...I'll be with you.

Her voice, choking with tears, racked with sobs, tears at my heart.

Miaka, if you keep crying like that, you won't be able to stop. And then your breath will come in ragged gasps, and your side will hurt.

I know. I've been there. I've cried like that. For Kourin.

I know what will make you feel better, Miaka. I know what will ease your pain, and help you to carry on with life.

Breathe. Breathe and live and witness for me the glory that is life, because I cannot anymore.

Breathe.
 

~Owari~
 

*The song that I used to correspond to the scenes/visions Nuriko had of being in Miaka's world is "Kaze No Uta", or Song of the Wind.

Lyrics for "Kaze No Uta" were found at: Tasuki and Nuriko's shrine

General Episode 33 information was found at The Shrine of the Almighty Chicken of DOOM!
(emphasis on the word, Doom. ^_^;;)

-Shun'u no Miko