Tasuki wandered, drunk and bleary,

through the streets of Konan's city,

stumbling through a barroom door.

Tripping over chairs and clutter,

pausing now and then to mutter

words to make a soldier shudder,

down he sat upon the floor.

"Gimme sake!" Tasuki hollered as he sat upon the floor.

But the owner said, "No more!"

"Rekka Shien!" Tasuki bellowed,

toasting the unlucky fellow

like a human-sized marshmallow;

Down he went upon the floor.

Sulking now, the bandit grumbled,

"Serves ya right!" And then he stumbled

to his feet before he tumbled

headfirst out the barroom door.

While, smoking hot and extra-crispy, feeling just a little sore,

sprawled the owner on the floor.

In the meantime, Tamahome

and Nuriko and Mitsukake

searched the city, looking for a

certain foul-mouthed bandit-boy.

When suddenly, to their dismay,

a flash of light as bright as day

revealed a horrible display!

They’d found their missing bandit-boy,

and to the bandit (who was looking just a little bit annoyed)

clung rabid fangirls, overjoyed.

"Yeek!" the desperate bandit yelped

as one girl grabbed him by the belt.

"Oh, you’re so yummy, I could melt!

Let’s go get married right away!"

"GET ‘EM OFF!" the bandit growled.

His so-called "friends" just stood and howled.

"You’re on your own!" Nuriko yowled.

"But have a happy wedding day!"

And as the fangirl dragged her victim off to have her wedding day,

the other girls remained to play.

"Who’s next?" one fangirl asked her friend.

"It’s my turn now!" the other said.

"Oh Nuri-chan, you’ve always been

my favorite out of everyone!"

A sweatdrop slid down Nuri’s head.

"Don’t look at me! I’m gay!" he said.

He realized that he should have fled

back when he had the chance to run.

"Oh, Nuri-chan, don’t look so scared! We’re gonna have a lot of fun!"

And Nuri knew that he was done.

Mitsukake-san was overwrought.

Well, this was it, the Seishi thought.

No way in hell would he get caught!

And so away he tried to leap.

"Where ya goin’?!" yelled fangirl three

"You don’t escape that easily!"

She latched herself onto his knee

and down they went into a heap.

And as he lay there tangled up with fangirl three inside that heap

Mitsukake felt like he could weep.

"Three down so far, and now one more!"

exclaimed an eager fangirl four,

and Tamahome squirmed and swore

when skinny arms wrapped ‘round his neck.

The steaming Seishi ranted, raged,

"Forget it, lady! I’m engaged!"

"Ya know, you’re cute when you’re enraged,"

the girl announced in retrospect.

And Tamahome heaved a sigh and kissed goodbye his self-respect.

So was the fate of these four men,

but wait! This story’s far from done,

and to the palace now we run

where three more fangirls lie in wait.

Within the palace library,

perusing scrolls and drinking tea,

a little boy sits patiently,

not noticing it’s rather late.

And so absorbed in scrolls is he, he does not see the lamp abate.

And then, of course, it is too late.

His shriek of terror echoed clearly

down the hall toward Chichiri,

who, of course, was shocked severely

by the volume of the shout.

"Who’d have thought he had that in ‘im?"

thought the monk while looking grim.

He grabbed his kasa on a whim,

picked up his staff, and headed out.

But suddenly there came a sight that made him feel like freaking out.

A fangirl stood there with a pout.

"And where do you think you are going?"

asked the fangirl with a knowing

glimmer in her slightly glowing

eyes, which held a reddish hue.

And Chichiri felt a sinking.

Who knew what this nut with thinking?!

He could only stand there, blinking

as a chain the fangirl drew-

thick chain made of solid steel-from out of midair ‘tween the two.

And ‘Chiri realized he was through.

In the meantime, Hotohori,

sitting there in all his glory,

waiting for his bedtime story,

sensed that something wasn’t right.

From right outside his chamber door,

the emperor of Konan swore

he heard a thumping on the floor,

the scuffle of a silent fight.

He opened wide his chamber door, prepared for an unpleasant sight…

and very nearly died of fright.

"GET ‘IM!" shrieked the Voice of Doom,

that waited right outside his room,

although the fangirls, busy swooning,

didn’t pay the voice much heed.

In a panic, he retreated.

Things were getting rather heated.

All the Seishi were defeated;

It was time for him to leave.

But…

"Come on, Heika!" cried a fangirl, grabbing ‘Hori by the sleeve.

"Let’s go play some make-believe!"

And so the girls began to wend

their way back home with their new friends

(who could not seem to comprehend

how they had fallen to this mess).

No matter how they begged and pleaded,

their cries simply went unheeded.

How shameful to have been defeated

by a fruitcake in a dress.

But maybe (with some therapy) they’ll come to terms with this unsuccess.

And we’ll still love ‘em, nonetheless.